Feeling Broken

I am so used to being the one to help others. Now I look at my life and realize I have absolutely nothing to give. And sadly everyone else is slowly realizing it too and they are drifting away one by one. The one thing I had that couldn't be taken away was the fact that I could get out there and put smiles on peoples faces and that was what I had to give when I lost everything else. But I am finding that for too many, that is not enough. While they are too busy trying to get something more out of me, they are wearing me thinner and thinner and I no longer even have a smile to offer to anyone. I need someone who is just willing to be a friend and not need anything more from me. Being there for me doesn't mean I'm all of a sudden gonna be ready to jump into a relationship with you. And throwing money at me isn't gonna do it either. What I'm looking for is a friend. I had a good friend who was there for me but I don't even know what happened there. She's moved on too apparently.

Everyone seems to think they know best what I need or who I should date or where my time should be spent. But no one knows me. No one fully comprehends what I am going through right now. No one can possibly know what is best for me without knowing what I'm feeling and experiencing. And everyone only hears and sees what they want to.

What is left for me if I no longer have anything to offer. Not even a smile.

Masking life

Normally I am able to find a bright side to things. I find some way to turn things around to sound positive. I am able to put on a smile and pretend all is well. I even talk myself into believing it sometimes. But every now and then reality slaps me across the face and reminds me of just how much life can suck. It takes away the blinders and the candy codings and leaves me with only the sad truth. Tonight was one of those nights and as I look through my phone trying to figure out who I can call at 10pm on a Monday night just to go hang on their couch and watch tv till I feel better or go for a drive with me, I realize I no longer have someone I can just call up like that. And so tonight I drove up geiger grade by myself, contemplated how much life seems to suck right now and then came home feeling slightly better as I usually do after a drive and hoping that tomorrow my mask will be back and I will once again be that happy person who sees the bright side to life.

Single life

I've decided that I like the single life. It's a lot less drama and pain. I don't have to check in with someone before I decide to do anything. I can go out with whomever I want whenever I want. I'm very independent and I don't have a problem going out by myself. I don't need someone with me to enjoy myself. And when I do want company, I can call whoever is available to join me, male or female. I don't have to work around someone elses schedule and I don't need permission. Yes, I am somewhat of a romantic and like having a special someone to share my time with and just be around even if we are doing anything at all but I don't need it. If I don't give my all to anyone, then I won't be disappointed when I don't get the same in return. It's a freedom I haven't had in a long time. I've been in a relationship of some kind since I was 16 up until last December. I've been ok being single but I've just recently come to really accept and enjoy being single. The next guy that thinks he deserves me will have to show that he's worth it. He'll have to earn it because I know what I'm worth and I won't settle for less.

The things we say

I don't understand people. I would say I don't understand men but men are not alone in this. Where do people get their ideas of what's right and wrong, what's good and bad and what they need or don't need? Some people do or say things that are hurtful and it's as if they don't even realize that it might hurt or they just don't care. Sometimes it's from people close to you and it really stings and sometimes it's a random stranger driving down the street. Most of the time we laugh it off and pretend it doesn't bother us, but deep down it does. These hurtful things are not easily forgotten. And when someone throws those jabs at you more than once you start to wonder what they really think about you or worse, if they're right. I have people in my life that I care about and wish I could relax and be myself around them but little comments that are made make me feel like I have to keep up a facade around them. I have barriers that I just can't let down because I'm afraid people will be disappointed. Sometimes I want nothing more than to spend time with someone but at the same time I don't, because I start feeling self conscious. And we may not always realize it but even when we are talking to a friend in regards to someone else, a comment we make may offend them even if it wasn't directly about them. I'm sure I'm guilty of this myself. Most of the time I try and keep my mouth shut. I try not to say much about anyone to anyone but it's hard at times. When someone is offending you, tell them. Some people really are that dense and might not realize it. I struggle with this too. I feel like I'm showing weakness if I admit that it hurts. Instead I just smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I don't like to appear weak.
Although the negative things are not easily forgotten, neither are the great things. The comments that make us proud. I had someone send me a text not too long ago that I really liked. It made me feel good, gave me hope. He said "You have a lot to offer a man, key word "man", and when that time comes to find him and settle down, I would be honored to shake his hand because he won your heart and from what I know about you, that's a challenge in itself." That one simple comment has done a lot for me. It made me feel good about myself, it made me remember not to settle for anything less than I deserve. The hard part with that is that the negative comments get me questioning what it is I do deserve. I know I have a lot to offer and I know I've been taken advantage of in the past. I try to remind myself constantly about all the positive I have to offer and that it out ways the negative. Don't let others bring you down. Know what you have to offer. Make the good outweigh the bad. I know this is difficult. I question myself all the time. Try to surround yourself with people who think positive. I am all smiles more often than not but when I am around negative attitudes it brings me down. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices we really don't want to in order to be happy in the end.

Inside depression

So as some may know, I suffer from depression. It's up and down for me a lot. Sometimes I can go months with out having trouble. I'll be the bubbly happy go lucky girl everyone knows and loves. But sometimes a trigger will just set me off. Sometimes I may only be depressed a few hours, sometimes it lasts weeks or even months. The part that sucks is when I do start feeling depressed, I start beating myself up. I talk myself down and then I hate myself for being depressed or angry and start thinking I'm defective and no one will ever want to be around me. It's a downward spiral. I start getting depressed, then hate myself for getting depressed, then feel worse because now I'm depressed at being a loser and then hate myself more for thinking like that and it goes on and on. Then I just start getting angry. That's leads to lashing out which makes me more depressed knowing I'm lashing out at people that don't deserve it and then I shut myself off from everyone because I don't want to hurt anyone or upset them and I know no one wants to be around me if I get that way. The only problem is I usually need someone to pull me out of my funk. When I shut myself away, it makes it better for everyone else but it makes it worse for me.
Writing has always been my release. Whether I'm angry, sad, hurt, or overjoyed, I write because it gets it out and I feel better after. I am writing this now because I feel overwhelmed at the moment and I feel like I may crack any second. I am writing to try and release the pressure that seems to be slowly building around my life right now. I'm starting to feel like a failure, like everything in my life right now just keeps going wrong. I feel like everything I've been working for is slipping away, like I have no control over my life anymore and it sucks. The person I want to reach out to most is the last person I feel I can talk to. So here I am, writing this blog, hoping it will help clear my head. I hope for a fresh start this week, that things will start to look a little better.

Everyone walks into our lives for a reason.

Everyone walks into our lives for a reason. It's not always easy to see what that reason is, but if you walk away a better person or help them to walk away a better person, then that meeting was worth it. Thank you to everyone who has made me a better person and will continue to make me a better person.

Easier Said Than Done

I know what I gotta do but some things are easier said than done especially when you don't really want to do it. There are some things that I don't want to give up or give up on. But some things I can not do alone. I can only do so much without pushing it too far and making things worse. I know what I want and I work hard to get the things I want and even harder to keep them if I have them but sometimes it just doesn't work out. I can only be happy with myself and the things I have accomplished in trying to achieve whatever it is I'm working toward. Each step builds me into a better person. I just wish that I could have those things that I am willing to work so hard for and that others would see what I'm willing to do to have that which I am after. Sometimes though, you just need to move on, but again, easier said than done in some cases.