So as some may know, I suffer from depression. It's up and down for me a lot. Sometimes I can go months with out having trouble. I'll be the bubbly happy go lucky girl everyone knows and loves. But sometimes a trigger will just set me off. Sometimes I may only be depressed a few hours, sometimes it lasts weeks or even months. The part that sucks is when I do start feeling depressed, I start beating myself up. I talk myself down and then I hate myself for being depressed or angry and start thinking I'm defective and no one will ever want to be around me. It's a downward spiral. I start getting depressed, then hate myself for getting depressed, then feel worse because now I'm depressed at being a loser and then hate myself more for thinking like that and it goes on and on. Then I just start getting angry. That's leads to lashing out which makes me more depressed knowing I'm lashing out at people that don't deserve it and then I shut myself off from everyone because I don't want to hurt anyone or upset them and I know no one wants to be around me if I get that way. The only problem is I usually need someone to pull me out of my funk. When I shut myself away, it makes it better for everyone else but it makes it worse for me.
Writing has always been my release. Whether I'm angry, sad, hurt, or overjoyed, I write because it gets it out and I feel better after. I am writing this now because I feel overwhelmed at the moment and I feel like I may crack any second. I am writing to try and release the pressure that seems to be slowly building around my life right now. I'm starting to feel like a failure, like everything in my life right now just keeps going wrong. I feel like everything I've been working for is slipping away, like I have no control over my life anymore and it sucks. The person I want to reach out to most is the last person I feel I can talk to. So here I am, writing this blog, hoping it will help clear my head. I hope for a fresh start this week, that things will start to look a little better.
