Masking life

Normally I am able to find a bright side to things. I find some way to turn things around to sound positive. I am able to put on a smile and pretend all is well. I even talk myself into believing it sometimes. But every now and then reality slaps me across the face and reminds me of just how much life can suck. It takes away the blinders and the candy codings and leaves me with only the sad truth. Tonight was one of those nights and as I look through my phone trying to figure out who I can call at 10pm on a Monday night just to go hang on their couch and watch tv till I feel better or go for a drive with me, I realize I no longer have someone I can just call up like that. And so tonight I drove up geiger grade by myself, contemplated how much life seems to suck right now and then came home feeling slightly better as I usually do after a drive and hoping that tomorrow my mask will be back and I will once again be that happy person who sees the bright side to life.

Single life

I've decided that I like the single life. It's a lot less drama and pain. I don't have to check in with someone before I decide to do anything. I can go out with whomever I want whenever I want. I'm very independent and I don't have a problem going out by myself. I don't need someone with me to enjoy myself. And when I do want company, I can call whoever is available to join me, male or female. I don't have to work around someone elses schedule and I don't need permission. Yes, I am somewhat of a romantic and like having a special someone to share my time with and just be around even if we are doing anything at all but I don't need it. If I don't give my all to anyone, then I won't be disappointed when I don't get the same in return. It's a freedom I haven't had in a long time. I've been in a relationship of some kind since I was 16 up until last December. I've been ok being single but I've just recently come to really accept and enjoy being single. The next guy that thinks he deserves me will have to show that he's worth it. He'll have to earn it because I know what I'm worth and I won't settle for less.

The things we say

I don't understand people. I would say I don't understand men but men are not alone in this. Where do people get their ideas of what's right and wrong, what's good and bad and what they need or don't need? Some people do or say things that are hurtful and it's as if they don't even realize that it might hurt or they just don't care. Sometimes it's from people close to you and it really stings and sometimes it's a random stranger driving down the street. Most of the time we laugh it off and pretend it doesn't bother us, but deep down it does. These hurtful things are not easily forgotten. And when someone throws those jabs at you more than once you start to wonder what they really think about you or worse, if they're right. I have people in my life that I care about and wish I could relax and be myself around them but little comments that are made make me feel like I have to keep up a facade around them. I have barriers that I just can't let down because I'm afraid people will be disappointed. Sometimes I want nothing more than to spend time with someone but at the same time I don't, because I start feeling self conscious. And we may not always realize it but even when we are talking to a friend in regards to someone else, a comment we make may offend them even if it wasn't directly about them. I'm sure I'm guilty of this myself. Most of the time I try and keep my mouth shut. I try not to say much about anyone to anyone but it's hard at times. When someone is offending you, tell them. Some people really are that dense and might not realize it. I struggle with this too. I feel like I'm showing weakness if I admit that it hurts. Instead I just smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I don't like to appear weak.
Although the negative things are not easily forgotten, neither are the great things. The comments that make us proud. I had someone send me a text not too long ago that I really liked. It made me feel good, gave me hope. He said "You have a lot to offer a man, key word "man", and when that time comes to find him and settle down, I would be honored to shake his hand because he won your heart and from what I know about you, that's a challenge in itself." That one simple comment has done a lot for me. It made me feel good about myself, it made me remember not to settle for anything less than I deserve. The hard part with that is that the negative comments get me questioning what it is I do deserve. I know I have a lot to offer and I know I've been taken advantage of in the past. I try to remind myself constantly about all the positive I have to offer and that it out ways the negative. Don't let others bring you down. Know what you have to offer. Make the good outweigh the bad. I know this is difficult. I question myself all the time. Try to surround yourself with people who think positive. I am all smiles more often than not but when I am around negative attitudes it brings me down. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices we really don't want to in order to be happy in the end.

Inside depression

So as some may know, I suffer from depression. It's up and down for me a lot. Sometimes I can go months with out having trouble. I'll be the bubbly happy go lucky girl everyone knows and loves. But sometimes a trigger will just set me off. Sometimes I may only be depressed a few hours, sometimes it lasts weeks or even months. The part that sucks is when I do start feeling depressed, I start beating myself up. I talk myself down and then I hate myself for being depressed or angry and start thinking I'm defective and no one will ever want to be around me. It's a downward spiral. I start getting depressed, then hate myself for getting depressed, then feel worse because now I'm depressed at being a loser and then hate myself more for thinking like that and it goes on and on. Then I just start getting angry. That's leads to lashing out which makes me more depressed knowing I'm lashing out at people that don't deserve it and then I shut myself off from everyone because I don't want to hurt anyone or upset them and I know no one wants to be around me if I get that way. The only problem is I usually need someone to pull me out of my funk. When I shut myself away, it makes it better for everyone else but it makes it worse for me.
Writing has always been my release. Whether I'm angry, sad, hurt, or overjoyed, I write because it gets it out and I feel better after. I am writing this now because I feel overwhelmed at the moment and I feel like I may crack any second. I am writing to try and release the pressure that seems to be slowly building around my life right now. I'm starting to feel like a failure, like everything in my life right now just keeps going wrong. I feel like everything I've been working for is slipping away, like I have no control over my life anymore and it sucks. The person I want to reach out to most is the last person I feel I can talk to. So here I am, writing this blog, hoping it will help clear my head. I hope for a fresh start this week, that things will start to look a little better.

Everyone walks into our lives for a reason.

Everyone walks into our lives for a reason. It's not always easy to see what that reason is, but if you walk away a better person or help them to walk away a better person, then that meeting was worth it. Thank you to everyone who has made me a better person and will continue to make me a better person.

Easier Said Than Done

I know what I gotta do but some things are easier said than done especially when you don't really want to do it. There are some things that I don't want to give up or give up on. But some things I can not do alone. I can only do so much without pushing it too far and making things worse. I know what I want and I work hard to get the things I want and even harder to keep them if I have them but sometimes it just doesn't work out. I can only be happy with myself and the things I have accomplished in trying to achieve whatever it is I'm working toward. Each step builds me into a better person. I just wish that I could have those things that I am willing to work so hard for and that others would see what I'm willing to do to have that which I am after. Sometimes though, you just need to move on, but again, easier said than done in some cases.

My present

I, like many others, have done things in my past that I deeply regret. Things I wish I could take back or pretend they never happened but they did. All I can say is I have grown and changed and I am not that same person anymore. I have learned from mistakes I have made in my past. I am honest about things I have done because I can't change the past and although I may be ashamed of it, I know I am a better person now and that's what matters. I don't want to be judged on my past but seen for who I am today, who I've become. I regret having hurt people in the past and I work hard at making up for that now. I try to help make a positive difference in the lives of the people around me. I make sure my friends know they can trust me, I work to earn their trust and keep it. I just want people to see through my past and see the great person I have become today and everything I have to offer. It hurts to know that things I have done many years ago still haunt me today and that I still pay the price of being young and stupid. There was reasoning behind the things I did at one point. Without knowing the things I've been through and felt, you are not able to judge. Mainly it comes down to being naive in the end but as I said, just because I regret it doesn't mean I can make it go away. Please forgive my past and see the person I am today, standing here in front of you.

Regaining Life

I had it pointed out to me that I have lost a lot of who I am. I've lost many of the things that made me happy. There are so many things that I enjoy doing and have wanted to be doing but I lost the motivation. I got caught up in making others happy that I wasn't spending the time I needed on me. I've been so down on myself thinking there wasn't any point to anything anymore. It was never gonna amount to anything or it was a waste of my time to get out and do certain things. Over the last couple years I have become content and comfortable with sitting in my room reading or playing on the computer. It became routine. But I'm a social butterfly. I enjoy being out and active and making people laugh, meeting new friends. I've realized everything I've been missing out on. So, I am taking back my life. Everything that I had so much fun doing. I have gotten myself a membership to start going back to the gym. I have found dance lessons that I am looking forward to taking every week along with the zumba classes at the gym. I am going out every chance I get whether I have someone with me or not. I can make friends if I have no one to come with me. I always have. I'm going out to the clubs, shooting pool, doing some bowling. I'm back in school and doing great. I have so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to. Of course I'd love to have someone to share it all with but I've made it this far on my own. Why stop now? It's time to stop worrying about what others think and making others happy and just do what I enjoy. Do what makes me happy. So here's to being myself and hoping that everyone will see the real me and take me as I am. Here's to having fun and enjoying life again.

Good news finally

The last couple weeks have been awesome. I took a vacation and went to Seattle for a week just to see friends. I stayed with my best friend Amie and her husband and basically got to see almost all of my good friends while I was there. It was a much needed get away. On the very last day of my vacation, hours before I was leaving to come home, I decided to contact the ex. It went surprisingly well. He brought his son (who was a son to me) and came to see me for just long enough to basically say hi and play with Jaggar for a bit. It gave me the closure I needed and I was able to finally move on with my life. I have been doing well ever since, no more crying. :) School has been going great, although I am ready for it to be over. I have A's in both classes so far. I'm finally getting out there and meeting new friends and getting in touch with old ones. I've been going out and having fun every week and putting myself out there again. In fact, I even went on my first real date in forever and it was awesome. I was taken to dinner and then a stroll along the river and then just sat and talked for a lot longer than we realized. I think I have perma-smile. :) And to top it all off, I got my refund this morning that has been lost in transit for about a month. Well, now it's off to work.

Hardships of a breakup

I try to be strong. I try to fill my days so I don't think about it. I put on a smile so no one will know how much I am hurting. But as I lay in bed at night I can't hide from it. The pain festers all day and at night I can only lay here thinking of how much I will miss. I think of the things that were said and wonder how much was true, how much was kept from me and what is to come now. I want so bad to call or write or text. I want my "good night." I lay here crying every night, unable to sleep, wondering. I try to tell myself I'm better off, things will get better. I just don't see it. The harder I try, the higher I get, the harder I fall. I want to give up. I'm so tired of the pain. I always end up the fool. And here I am unsure of how to even go about my day anymore. Every time something happens I grab my phone to text him. If I'm watching a show I think about him during commercials thinking it's been a while and it's time to see how he's doing. Some things are easier this time like not having to give up my job and home but some things are even harder. I'm so lost I don't know what to do with myself right now.

Getting it off my chest

Well again it's been a long time since I've written anything. But I have so much going on and changing in my life right now. First I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years that I thought was serious. It has been very rough, VERY rough, the last 6 months or so but things seemed to finally be getting better. Since the start of the year I actually saw things going in the right direction again. So much that I was back to planning out our future, picturing it in my head. And then when I plan to make the trip to go see him after 3 months, something somehow backfires and it leads to me being dumped, again. I thought it would be nice to make a visit, but apparently I was wrong because the reaction I got was not what I expected, obviously. Some people are happy and think I deserved better, some saw what I saw and are sad it didn't work out and some just don't seem to understand how much I loved him or the value of relationships. I have poured as much of my life as I could into this relationship and it would have been more if... well if things were different. There is a lot to it that doesn't need to be shared. I dont even know what to think though. I'm being told one thing but actions are showing something entirely different. I feel like I've been made a fool of. I trusted with all my heart but the signs were there. I don't know what to believe. The words or the actions? This was the last time though. This was the last, the ultimate hurt. I couldn't bring myself to even try talking to him, to try and work through it again. What's worse is I had no one to talk to. No one to call when it happened. Everyone has their own things going on in their lives. Engagements, losses, school, work. How could I call someone whom I knew was going through their own stuff. He was the one I talked to and with out him I have no one. So of course, I hid in my bed all week, only getting out of bed to go to work, not eating, barely sleeping, crying till I was dehydrated. I want to get out and have fun but I have a hard time getting up and then when I have these last two nights it's only fun for a short while and then I just want to be back in my bed.
Second is that the group I've been trying to be a part of, the ones that are supposed to be good examples, a good support system. They are the biggest group of backstabbers and gossip and drama. Not all of them of course cause I have my girls that I love and are great friends who stand by me. But come on, when I was "elsewhere" I never saw this much hate and pessimism and judgement. And worse yet, I feel it wearing on me. I find myself participating, saying things that are mean and I shouldn't say. I do my absolute best not to get involved, I rarely share, I do more listening. But somehow my name still gets drug up. People still search for things to say about me. I'm not perfect, very far from it but I don't deserve to be treated the way that some treat me. I have my faults but it's not the ones some people are claimimg and some of it isn't theirs or anyone's business anyway. What stinks is because it's a group with group activities, I have to take the bad with the good but I don't know if I can anymore.
I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be a good friend, I'm trying help others and be positive and make my life better but I don't know that I can anymore. I think I need a few weeks by myself. I am on the verge of snapping. I am tired of being the fool, being the easy target. I work hard at being a good friend, working up the trust with people to where I can try to be there for them if they need me to have it taken from me because someone had nothing better to do or no other drama to dig up that day. I put everything I have into a relationship just to have it thrown in my face, to be told I'm not important enough or not good enough, to always come in 2nd place.