Hardships of a breakup

I try to be strong. I try to fill my days so I don't think about it. I put on a smile so no one will know how much I am hurting. But as I lay in bed at night I can't hide from it. The pain festers all day and at night I can only lay here thinking of how much I will miss. I think of the things that were said and wonder how much was true, how much was kept from me and what is to come now. I want so bad to call or write or text. I want my "good night." I lay here crying every night, unable to sleep, wondering. I try to tell myself I'm better off, things will get better. I just don't see it. The harder I try, the higher I get, the harder I fall. I want to give up. I'm so tired of the pain. I always end up the fool. And here I am unsure of how to even go about my day anymore. Every time something happens I grab my phone to text him. If I'm watching a show I think about him during commercials thinking it's been a while and it's time to see how he's doing. Some things are easier this time like not having to give up my job and home but some things are even harder. I'm so lost I don't know what to do with myself right now.

Getting it off my chest

Well again it's been a long time since I've written anything. But I have so much going on and changing in my life right now. First I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years that I thought was serious. It has been very rough, VERY rough, the last 6 months or so but things seemed to finally be getting better. Since the start of the year I actually saw things going in the right direction again. So much that I was back to planning out our future, picturing it in my head. And then when I plan to make the trip to go see him after 3 months, something somehow backfires and it leads to me being dumped, again. I thought it would be nice to make a visit, but apparently I was wrong because the reaction I got was not what I expected, obviously. Some people are happy and think I deserved better, some saw what I saw and are sad it didn't work out and some just don't seem to understand how much I loved him or the value of relationships. I have poured as much of my life as I could into this relationship and it would have been more if... well if things were different. There is a lot to it that doesn't need to be shared. I dont even know what to think though. I'm being told one thing but actions are showing something entirely different. I feel like I've been made a fool of. I trusted with all my heart but the signs were there. I don't know what to believe. The words or the actions? This was the last time though. This was the last, the ultimate hurt. I couldn't bring myself to even try talking to him, to try and work through it again. What's worse is I had no one to talk to. No one to call when it happened. Everyone has their own things going on in their lives. Engagements, losses, school, work. How could I call someone whom I knew was going through their own stuff. He was the one I talked to and with out him I have no one. So of course, I hid in my bed all week, only getting out of bed to go to work, not eating, barely sleeping, crying till I was dehydrated. I want to get out and have fun but I have a hard time getting up and then when I have these last two nights it's only fun for a short while and then I just want to be back in my bed.
Second is that the group I've been trying to be a part of, the ones that are supposed to be good examples, a good support system. They are the biggest group of backstabbers and gossip and drama. Not all of them of course cause I have my girls that I love and are great friends who stand by me. But come on, when I was "elsewhere" I never saw this much hate and pessimism and judgement. And worse yet, I feel it wearing on me. I find myself participating, saying things that are mean and I shouldn't say. I do my absolute best not to get involved, I rarely share, I do more listening. But somehow my name still gets drug up. People still search for things to say about me. I'm not perfect, very far from it but I don't deserve to be treated the way that some treat me. I have my faults but it's not the ones some people are claimimg and some of it isn't theirs or anyone's business anyway. What stinks is because it's a group with group activities, I have to take the bad with the good but I don't know if I can anymore.
I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be a good friend, I'm trying help others and be positive and make my life better but I don't know that I can anymore. I think I need a few weeks by myself. I am on the verge of snapping. I am tired of being the fool, being the easy target. I work hard at being a good friend, working up the trust with people to where I can try to be there for them if they need me to have it taken from me because someone had nothing better to do or no other drama to dig up that day. I put everything I have into a relationship just to have it thrown in my face, to be told I'm not important enough or not good enough, to always come in 2nd place.