My present

I, like many others, have done things in my past that I deeply regret. Things I wish I could take back or pretend they never happened but they did. All I can say is I have grown and changed and I am not that same person anymore. I have learned from mistakes I have made in my past. I am honest about things I have done because I can't change the past and although I may be ashamed of it, I know I am a better person now and that's what matters. I don't want to be judged on my past but seen for who I am today, who I've become. I regret having hurt people in the past and I work hard at making up for that now. I try to help make a positive difference in the lives of the people around me. I make sure my friends know they can trust me, I work to earn their trust and keep it. I just want people to see through my past and see the great person I have become today and everything I have to offer. It hurts to know that things I have done many years ago still haunt me today and that I still pay the price of being young and stupid. There was reasoning behind the things I did at one point. Without knowing the things I've been through and felt, you are not able to judge. Mainly it comes down to being naive in the end but as I said, just because I regret it doesn't mean I can make it go away. Please forgive my past and see the person I am today, standing here in front of you.

Regaining Life

I had it pointed out to me that I have lost a lot of who I am. I've lost many of the things that made me happy. There are so many things that I enjoy doing and have wanted to be doing but I lost the motivation. I got caught up in making others happy that I wasn't spending the time I needed on me. I've been so down on myself thinking there wasn't any point to anything anymore. It was never gonna amount to anything or it was a waste of my time to get out and do certain things. Over the last couple years I have become content and comfortable with sitting in my room reading or playing on the computer. It became routine. But I'm a social butterfly. I enjoy being out and active and making people laugh, meeting new friends. I've realized everything I've been missing out on. So, I am taking back my life. Everything that I had so much fun doing. I have gotten myself a membership to start going back to the gym. I have found dance lessons that I am looking forward to taking every week along with the zumba classes at the gym. I am going out every chance I get whether I have someone with me or not. I can make friends if I have no one to come with me. I always have. I'm going out to the clubs, shooting pool, doing some bowling. I'm back in school and doing great. I have so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to. Of course I'd love to have someone to share it all with but I've made it this far on my own. Why stop now? It's time to stop worrying about what others think and making others happy and just do what I enjoy. Do what makes me happy. So here's to being myself and hoping that everyone will see the real me and take me as I am. Here's to having fun and enjoying life again.

Good news finally

The last couple weeks have been awesome. I took a vacation and went to Seattle for a week just to see friends. I stayed with my best friend Amie and her husband and basically got to see almost all of my good friends while I was there. It was a much needed get away. On the very last day of my vacation, hours before I was leaving to come home, I decided to contact the ex. It went surprisingly well. He brought his son (who was a son to me) and came to see me for just long enough to basically say hi and play with Jaggar for a bit. It gave me the closure I needed and I was able to finally move on with my life. I have been doing well ever since, no more crying. :) School has been going great, although I am ready for it to be over. I have A's in both classes so far. I'm finally getting out there and meeting new friends and getting in touch with old ones. I've been going out and having fun every week and putting myself out there again. In fact, I even went on my first real date in forever and it was awesome. I was taken to dinner and then a stroll along the river and then just sat and talked for a lot longer than we realized. I think I have perma-smile. :) And to top it all off, I got my refund this morning that has been lost in transit for about a month. Well, now it's off to work.

Hardships of a breakup

I try to be strong. I try to fill my days so I don't think about it. I put on a smile so no one will know how much I am hurting. But as I lay in bed at night I can't hide from it. The pain festers all day and at night I can only lay here thinking of how much I will miss. I think of the things that were said and wonder how much was true, how much was kept from me and what is to come now. I want so bad to call or write or text. I want my "good night." I lay here crying every night, unable to sleep, wondering. I try to tell myself I'm better off, things will get better. I just don't see it. The harder I try, the higher I get, the harder I fall. I want to give up. I'm so tired of the pain. I always end up the fool. And here I am unsure of how to even go about my day anymore. Every time something happens I grab my phone to text him. If I'm watching a show I think about him during commercials thinking it's been a while and it's time to see how he's doing. Some things are easier this time like not having to give up my job and home but some things are even harder. I'm so lost I don't know what to do with myself right now.

Getting it off my chest

Well again it's been a long time since I've written anything. But I have so much going on and changing in my life right now. First I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years that I thought was serious. It has been very rough, VERY rough, the last 6 months or so but things seemed to finally be getting better. Since the start of the year I actually saw things going in the right direction again. So much that I was back to planning out our future, picturing it in my head. And then when I plan to make the trip to go see him after 3 months, something somehow backfires and it leads to me being dumped, again. I thought it would be nice to make a visit, but apparently I was wrong because the reaction I got was not what I expected, obviously. Some people are happy and think I deserved better, some saw what I saw and are sad it didn't work out and some just don't seem to understand how much I loved him or the value of relationships. I have poured as much of my life as I could into this relationship and it would have been more if... well if things were different. There is a lot to it that doesn't need to be shared. I dont even know what to think though. I'm being told one thing but actions are showing something entirely different. I feel like I've been made a fool of. I trusted with all my heart but the signs were there. I don't know what to believe. The words or the actions? This was the last time though. This was the last, the ultimate hurt. I couldn't bring myself to even try talking to him, to try and work through it again. What's worse is I had no one to talk to. No one to call when it happened. Everyone has their own things going on in their lives. Engagements, losses, school, work. How could I call someone whom I knew was going through their own stuff. He was the one I talked to and with out him I have no one. So of course, I hid in my bed all week, only getting out of bed to go to work, not eating, barely sleeping, crying till I was dehydrated. I want to get out and have fun but I have a hard time getting up and then when I have these last two nights it's only fun for a short while and then I just want to be back in my bed.
Second is that the group I've been trying to be a part of, the ones that are supposed to be good examples, a good support system. They are the biggest group of backstabbers and gossip and drama. Not all of them of course cause I have my girls that I love and are great friends who stand by me. But come on, when I was "elsewhere" I never saw this much hate and pessimism and judgement. And worse yet, I feel it wearing on me. I find myself participating, saying things that are mean and I shouldn't say. I do my absolute best not to get involved, I rarely share, I do more listening. But somehow my name still gets drug up. People still search for things to say about me. I'm not perfect, very far from it but I don't deserve to be treated the way that some treat me. I have my faults but it's not the ones some people are claimimg and some of it isn't theirs or anyone's business anyway. What stinks is because it's a group with group activities, I have to take the bad with the good but I don't know if I can anymore.
I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be a good friend, I'm trying help others and be positive and make my life better but I don't know that I can anymore. I think I need a few weeks by myself. I am on the verge of snapping. I am tired of being the fool, being the easy target. I work hard at being a good friend, working up the trust with people to where I can try to be there for them if they need me to have it taken from me because someone had nothing better to do or no other drama to dig up that day. I put everything I have into a relationship just to have it thrown in my face, to be told I'm not important enough or not good enough, to always come in 2nd place.

Waiting for my plane...

I lay in bed at night with my mind racing thinking of all sorts of things I could or should write about. But at that time I'm trying to fall asleep and I don't want to get back up and start writing. I need a device that registers my thoughts and will write for me when I'm to tired or lazy to do it myself. Wouldn't that be awesome to be able to hook up to one of those while you sleep and see what kind of things actually register in your mind when you're sleeping. The dreams you forget and subconscious thoughts. My mind goes so fast and I can't focus on anything for very long before another thought takes it's place. If I had a device like that it would go up in smoke minutes after I started using it. People often ask what I'm thinking about and a lot of the time I respond, "I don't know." Although sometimes it may be to avoid saying what I'm actually thinking, most of the time it's because I really don't know. My thoughts are so jumbled they don't make since. Before one thought can finish processing another one jumps in. And if I'm thinking about a specific situation or topic, then my thoughts will jump back and forth between sides and contradict each other. The good thing about that is that I view everything from multiple angles. The bad thing is that I can never make up my mind and stick to a decision. I've had a lot of serious life altering decisions to make lately and I get so confused. I go back and forth constantly between decisions. They just keep getting delayed. Hopefully while in Seattle this weekend, I will be so busy having fun, I won't have to think about much and I can just enjoy myself. Happy birthday to my great friends Casey and Amie. I'll be seeing you shortly.

I'm alive

Well, I managed to keep this up long enough for the assignment that was due, but obviously I've been slacking since I turned it in. I did get a good grade on it though. So here I am again. Just trying to get back in the habit of writing every so often. This is the closest thing to a journal I have I guess.
I have recently started attending the midsingles activites with my church. We have the YSA which is single LDS members between the ages of 18 and 30 and then there is the MSA which is normally 30 to 45 but now it starts at 27. :-) I feel that I fit in better with the midsingles than the young singles. I have a lot more in common with them. I don't know that it's any less drama, just a different kind of drama. I've had a lot of fun at the few activitites I've been to. I've made many new friends, however most of them are over 2 hours away given that the main activities are held in CA. I intend on helping spread the word here in the Reno area though so we can start holding activities here. Our group is so small right now. I'm looking forward to seeing what we can do.