I write. All the words I want to say that are better left unsaid go down on paper. The deepest truths, the rawest emotions, the things that are too powerful to hold in, but too vulnerable to let out. I write the  things I long to say but cannot out of fear or respect or something else entirely. I write hoping it will be read, knowing and praying that it never will. Today I’ll write. 

These are my words unspoken. 

Reflecting on Soulmates

Thoughts while I am driving to work. 
I’m starting to think that soulmates are not a thing. Everyone comes into your life for a reason whether it be something to teach you, something to give you, or just someone to spend time with. But they’re not necessarily meant to stay forever. The only way to keep growing is new people and new experiences. No one will ever accept all of you. We will always have something we want to change or fix about others whether it be something about appearance, habits, personality, maybe even education. I don’t want to change for somebody else. We can stay in each others lives as long as we help each other grow and learn but when it comes to the point where we think we need to make each other better and need to teach them or get them to change, it’s time to go separate ways.  You were here so I can learn the lessons I need to learn, not so you can teach me and make me what you want me to be but so I can become who I want to be. 

Blessed With Dance

While some things are still very much lacking, other areas of my life are starting to look up. I have been offered a position teaching at The Ballroom of Reno. Anyone who knows me knows that dancing is my passion. This is a dream come true. However as the name entitles, it is a ballroom. I have little previous experience in ballroom but they saw enough potential in me the first week I came for classes to offer me a position on their team. I have been in training 6 nights a week since March learning several smooth and rhythm dances. While I am not getting many hours at my day job and have taken time off from school, this is keeping me very busy. I am training in foxtrot, tango, waltz, viennese waltz, cha cha, rhumba, salsa, night club 2 step, west coast swing, east coast swing and have just started taking ballet and argentine tango. We even touched some on quickstep and hustle. Soon I will also be starting on bolero and mambo. All the while I am teaching country line dancing, well line dancing; it's not all country.
I sometimes feel very overwhelmed and don't know if I'm gonna be able to learn enough to be able to teach this but at other times I realize how much I have learned in such a short time and am proud of my accomplishments. I don't want to let them down after they put so much faith in me to bring me in on training with others who have been training for over a year for this.
Another opportunity I have been given through this is being able to participate in Tough Mudder this year. There is a team of us from the ballroom signed up and I can't wait to see if I'm tough enough. We will be training hard for this along with training at the studio all summer. I hope I can handle all this training without breaking. Here's to a great summer filled with adventure and fun.

Feeling Broken

I am so used to being the one to help others. Now I look at my life and realize I have absolutely nothing to give. And sadly everyone else is slowly realizing it too and they are drifting away one by one. The one thing I had that couldn't be taken away was the fact that I could get out there and put smiles on peoples faces and that was what I had to give when I lost everything else. But I am finding that for too many, that is not enough. While they are too busy trying to get something more out of me, they are wearing me thinner and thinner and I no longer even have a smile to offer to anyone. I need someone who is just willing to be a friend and not need anything more from me. Being there for me doesn't mean I'm all of a sudden gonna be ready to jump into a relationship with you. And throwing money at me isn't gonna do it either. What I'm looking for is a friend. I had a good friend who was there for me but I don't even know what happened there. She's moved on too apparently.

Everyone seems to think they know best what I need or who I should date or where my time should be spent. But no one knows me. No one fully comprehends what I am going through right now. No one can possibly know what is best for me without knowing what I'm feeling and experiencing. And everyone only hears and sees what they want to.

What is left for me if I no longer have anything to offer. Not even a smile.

Masking life

Normally I am able to find a bright side to things. I find some way to turn things around to sound positive. I am able to put on a smile and pretend all is well. I even talk myself into believing it sometimes. But every now and then reality slaps me across the face and reminds me of just how much life can suck. It takes away the blinders and the candy codings and leaves me with only the sad truth. Tonight was one of those nights and as I look through my phone trying to figure out who I can call at 10pm on a Monday night just to go hang on their couch and watch tv till I feel better or go for a drive with me, I realize I no longer have someone I can just call up like that. And so tonight I drove up geiger grade by myself, contemplated how much life seems to suck right now and then came home feeling slightly better as I usually do after a drive and hoping that tomorrow my mask will be back and I will once again be that happy person who sees the bright side to life.

Single life

I've decided that I like the single life. It's a lot less drama and pain. I don't have to check in with someone before I decide to do anything. I can go out with whomever I want whenever I want. I'm very independent and I don't have a problem going out by myself. I don't need someone with me to enjoy myself. And when I do want company, I can call whoever is available to join me, male or female. I don't have to work around someone elses schedule and I don't need permission. Yes, I am somewhat of a romantic and like having a special someone to share my time with and just be around even if we are doing anything at all but I don't need it. If I don't give my all to anyone, then I won't be disappointed when I don't get the same in return. It's a freedom I haven't had in a long time. I've been in a relationship of some kind since I was 16 up until last December. I've been ok being single but I've just recently come to really accept and enjoy being single. The next guy that thinks he deserves me will have to show that he's worth it. He'll have to earn it because I know what I'm worth and I won't settle for less.

The things we say

I don't understand people. I would say I don't understand men but men are not alone in this. Where do people get their ideas of what's right and wrong, what's good and bad and what they need or don't need? Some people do or say things that are hurtful and it's as if they don't even realize that it might hurt or they just don't care. Sometimes it's from people close to you and it really stings and sometimes it's a random stranger driving down the street. Most of the time we laugh it off and pretend it doesn't bother us, but deep down it does. These hurtful things are not easily forgotten. And when someone throws those jabs at you more than once you start to wonder what they really think about you or worse, if they're right. I have people in my life that I care about and wish I could relax and be myself around them but little comments that are made make me feel like I have to keep up a facade around them. I have barriers that I just can't let down because I'm afraid people will be disappointed. Sometimes I want nothing more than to spend time with someone but at the same time I don't, because I start feeling self conscious. And we may not always realize it but even when we are talking to a friend in regards to someone else, a comment we make may offend them even if it wasn't directly about them. I'm sure I'm guilty of this myself. Most of the time I try and keep my mouth shut. I try not to say much about anyone to anyone but it's hard at times. When someone is offending you, tell them. Some people really are that dense and might not realize it. I struggle with this too. I feel like I'm showing weakness if I admit that it hurts. Instead I just smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong. I don't like to appear weak.
Although the negative things are not easily forgotten, neither are the great things. The comments that make us proud. I had someone send me a text not too long ago that I really liked. It made me feel good, gave me hope. He said "You have a lot to offer a man, key word "man", and when that time comes to find him and settle down, I would be honored to shake his hand because he won your heart and from what I know about you, that's a challenge in itself." That one simple comment has done a lot for me. It made me feel good about myself, it made me remember not to settle for anything less than I deserve. The hard part with that is that the negative comments get me questioning what it is I do deserve. I know I have a lot to offer and I know I've been taken advantage of in the past. I try to remind myself constantly about all the positive I have to offer and that it out ways the negative. Don't let others bring you down. Know what you have to offer. Make the good outweigh the bad. I know this is difficult. I question myself all the time. Try to surround yourself with people who think positive. I am all smiles more often than not but when I am around negative attitudes it brings me down. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices we really don't want to in order to be happy in the end.