Hardships of a breakup

I try to be strong. I try to fill my days so I don't think about it. I put on a smile so no one will know how much I am hurting. But as I lay in bed at night I can't hide from it. The pain festers all day and at night I can only lay here thinking of how much I will miss. I think of the things that were said and wonder how much was true, how much was kept from me and what is to come now. I want so bad to call or write or text. I want my "good night." I lay here crying every night, unable to sleep, wondering. I try to tell myself I'm better off, things will get better. I just don't see it. The harder I try, the higher I get, the harder I fall. I want to give up. I'm so tired of the pain. I always end up the fool. And here I am unsure of how to even go about my day anymore. Every time something happens I grab my phone to text him. If I'm watching a show I think about him during commercials thinking it's been a while and it's time to see how he's doing. Some things are easier this time like not having to give up my job and home but some things are even harder. I'm so lost I don't know what to do with myself right now.