Anytime someone tells you this time is going to be different or I’m going to change, it’s a fucking lie. I have heard it and seen it so many times yet I fell for it again myself. We kept spinning our wheels and having the same issues and the same arguments. We tried therapy multiple times and saw no changes. When I expressed that we had already done therapy and it didn’t do anything he told me that “this time is different. This time I’m going to try.”  I was trying all along. I had finally found ways to things work but was on the verge of giving up. I did everything I could think of to make it work this time. I tried to give him the room and the reason to actually try this time and instead he decided it was too much work and walked away. That was the hardest thing in all the therapy we have done to hear. “We have to much work ahead of us and I can’t do it.” In other words I don’t care and she’s not worth it to me.
I am worth nothing if the people I love do not think I am worth fighting for.  I told my therapist that nobody wants to be around me when I’m depressed and everybody is better off without me. She tried to tell me that was not true and it was just my depression talking but obviously it is very true.  My old husband has walked away from me multiple times when my depression gets bad. If he can’t handle it, who else would want to?   Apparently months of bad outweigh years of good.

What is depression?

What is depression? Depression is I’m never gonna be good enough. Depression is I’m worthless. Depression is everyone is better off without me. Depression is no one wants me around. Depression is I’m just bringing others down. Depression is no on deserves what I cause. Depression is I don’t want to leave but I should, they’ll be happier. Depression is I’m sorry. Depression is I try so hard but I always fail. Depression is I need help but I don’t want to bother you so I won’t ask. Depression is not wanting to disturb your day or your mood. Depression is I want you’re attention but I don’t deserve it. Depression is people only want to see me happy so that’s what I have to be no matter what. Depression is I’m hurting but I can’t show it so I have to put on a happy face for everyone else. Depression is afraid of letting you down, of failing. Depression is I don’t want to leave my bed but I need to get out. Depression is I’m so exhausted but I can’t sleep. Depression is one minute feeling good about myself and the next feeling awful for thinking that. Depression is hopeless. Depression is crying by myself and not wanting anyone to know, but also wishing someone would find me and tell me it'll be ok. Depression is feeling like nobody really cares, Depression is feeling like a nuisance. Depression is just wanting to be held, not needing advice or opinions, not needing to be fixed, just needing to know you’re there. Depression is wanting to stop hurting, both myself and those around me. Depression is knowing if I leave, everyone will be able to be happier.  Depression is wanting to disappear.  Depression is knowing I am broken and not knowing if I can or should be fixed. 

I write. All the words I want to say that are better left unsaid go down on paper. The deepest truths, the rawest emotions, the things that are too powerful to hold in, but too vulnerable to let out. I write the  things I long to say but cannot out of fear or respect or something else entirely. I write hoping it will be read, knowing and praying that it never will. Today I’ll write. 

These are my words unspoken. 

Reflecting on Soulmates

Thoughts while I am driving to work. 
I’m starting to think that soulmates are not a thing. Everyone comes into your life for a reason whether it be something to teach you, something to give you, or just someone to spend time with. But they’re not necessarily meant to stay forever. The only way to keep growing is new people and new experiences. No one will ever accept all of you. We will always have something we want to change or fix about others whether it be something about appearance, habits, personality, maybe even education. I don’t want to change for somebody else. We can stay in each others lives as long as we help each other grow and learn but when it comes to the point where we think we need to make each other better and need to teach them or get them to change, it’s time to go separate ways.  You were here so I can learn the lessons I need to learn, not so you can teach me and make me what you want me to be but so I can become who I want to be. 

Blessed With Dance

While some things are still very much lacking, other areas of my life are starting to look up. I have been offered a position teaching at The Ballroom of Reno. Anyone who knows me knows that dancing is my passion. This is a dream come true. However as the name entitles, it is a ballroom. I have little previous experience in ballroom but they saw enough potential in me the first week I came for classes to offer me a position on their team. I have been in training 6 nights a week since March learning several smooth and rhythm dances. While I am not getting many hours at my day job and have taken time off from school, this is keeping me very busy. I am training in foxtrot, tango, waltz, viennese waltz, cha cha, rhumba, salsa, night club 2 step, west coast swing, east coast swing and have just started taking ballet and argentine tango. We even touched some on quickstep and hustle. Soon I will also be starting on bolero and mambo. All the while I am teaching country line dancing, well line dancing; it's not all country.
I sometimes feel very overwhelmed and don't know if I'm gonna be able to learn enough to be able to teach this but at other times I realize how much I have learned in such a short time and am proud of my accomplishments. I don't want to let them down after they put so much faith in me to bring me in on training with others who have been training for over a year for this.
Another opportunity I have been given through this is being able to participate in Tough Mudder this year. There is a team of us from the ballroom signed up and I can't wait to see if I'm tough enough. We will be training hard for this along with training at the studio all summer. I hope I can handle all this training without breaking. Here's to a great summer filled with adventure and fun.

Feeling Broken

I am so used to being the one to help others. Now I look at my life and realize I have absolutely nothing to give. And sadly everyone else is slowly realizing it too and they are drifting away one by one. The one thing I had that couldn't be taken away was the fact that I could get out there and put smiles on peoples faces and that was what I had to give when I lost everything else. But I am finding that for too many, that is not enough. While they are too busy trying to get something more out of me, they are wearing me thinner and thinner and I no longer even have a smile to offer to anyone. I need someone who is just willing to be a friend and not need anything more from me. Being there for me doesn't mean I'm all of a sudden gonna be ready to jump into a relationship with you. And throwing money at me isn't gonna do it either. What I'm looking for is a friend. I had a good friend who was there for me but I don't even know what happened there. She's moved on too apparently.

Everyone seems to think they know best what I need or who I should date or where my time should be spent. But no one knows me. No one fully comprehends what I am going through right now. No one can possibly know what is best for me without knowing what I'm feeling and experiencing. And everyone only hears and sees what they want to.

What is left for me if I no longer have anything to offer. Not even a smile.

Masking life

Normally I am able to find a bright side to things. I find some way to turn things around to sound positive. I am able to put on a smile and pretend all is well. I even talk myself into believing it sometimes. But every now and then reality slaps me across the face and reminds me of just how much life can suck. It takes away the blinders and the candy codings and leaves me with only the sad truth. Tonight was one of those nights and as I look through my phone trying to figure out who I can call at 10pm on a Monday night just to go hang on their couch and watch tv till I feel better or go for a drive with me, I realize I no longer have someone I can just call up like that. And so tonight I drove up geiger grade by myself, contemplated how much life seems to suck right now and then came home feeling slightly better as I usually do after a drive and hoping that tomorrow my mask will be back and I will once again be that happy person who sees the bright side to life.